One of the joys of my job is getting to work with families a second or third time as they welcome new babies into their life. One question I often face as we plan their doula support is how they can continue to meet their older child's needs as well as the new baby's. I won't pretend to have mastery over this, but I can offer some helpful hints that clients have told me saved their relationship with their older child. One of my favorite tips is called PAY IT FORWARD.

Now in one sense, we have all already done this as we have spent countless hours doting on the older sibling, but for this concept I am thinking in smaller time frames. When your child is tired of seeing you nurse or hold your new baby for the 8th time that afternoon, they often find interesting ways to show their disapproval (regression in potty training, baby talk, aggressive play, suggestions to "take the baby back", etc) this step can make a big difference. Here is what I mean:

When you know that you will need to feed or soothe baby for a chunk of time coming up, consider giving your child focused attention for 3-5 minutes FIRST. It often doesn't take much, but reading a book, doing a puzzle or game, or just sitting and snuggling (or wrestling if you have a little monkey!) BEFORE you take time with the baby will do wonders for your ability to meet both of their needs.

Think of it as putting a deposit into their attention bank, and then when you care for baby, you can make a withdrawal without paying a penalty. Sort of like filling up their love cup before you ask them to be more independent.

There are so many other ways to help balance the care of a newborn with a toddler or older child...what worked best for you?