Do you need a postpartum bubble?

More and more I see couples wanting to create a bubble of space away from their extended family and friends, especially when they welcome their new baby. Since the pandemic started I have seen these numbers increase and I am here to help you figure out your plan based on the many different ways our clients have found to protect their mental health—so you can find what might be the best for you when baby arrives.

First, I’m a doula and a grandparent, so know my bias up front: I am all for support! However, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a net loss at times, especially with too many visitors coming over too soon (a common situation I see with our doula clients). So let’s look at the pros and cons of extending your bubble, and I will add some tips to help it become more of a net gain if possible.

Your ancestors probably had their family around. Maybe a lot of them, most likely women (but not always), and probably some were most occupied by the kitchen and chores over more directly offering baby and new mom support. Do you know your people’s cultural practices? You might have to go back a few generations to see what used to happen to a new mom to see what they did for new parents. While having family around historically may have validity when we didn’t have the internet, door dash, and professionals with degrees in how to help parents feed their infants, it doesn’t necessarily apply in this modern age. There are pitfalls that weren’t as important to us a few generations ago.

First, we (almost always) live independently by the time we have our kids. and we have been adulting all this time, without needing to lean on our parents much. So this seems like it could apply to the time after baby arrives as well, especially with such an intimate experience of bringing a new life into the world. We manage every aspect of our lives without our parents, so needing them again can be strange, and we often don’t have language we feel comfortable using to help make it easier. While having a newborn might require extra hands, we need to not feel a loss of our autonomy in order to feel like the competent parents we want to be.

We also are VERY aware of germs an illness with newborns, far more than we ever have been. So our instinct (and sometimes our doctors) recommend a very small bubble of adults to newborns to reduce the risks, and hopefully keep us from having to visit the ER with a tiny infant that will have to undergo multiple painful and invasive procedures to determine their safety. This creates a desire for extended family to receive vaccines that could be perceived as disruptive, and is not always well received. Knowing that an infant under 6-8 weeks who gets sick will undergo extensive interventions in an ER visit is a pretty strong deterrent to having babies be kissed and passed around in the early weeks. This is a fairly new trend though; babies have been passed around and held by family for centuries, and those expectations can be hard to say goodbye to.

So with all these reasons it makes sense to trim your circle to a smaller but efficient circle of support that will keep baby healthy, allow for bonding between parents and babies, and allow for autonomy. But here is my argument for that not to be just ONE person, namely your spouse or partner…

The ratio of adults to babies is optimally 3 to 1. (Yes, I know what this means for twins and triplets! But I think with some tandem skills we can whittle that a bit with multiples.) Let me explain what I mean.

While the mother is often the primary parent of an infant due to the bond that was developed in utero, as well as breastfeeding (the vast majority of our clients—well over 90%—are breastfeeding and/or pumping) we often find that her energy goes directly to baby, and much less to herself or her own needs. So this creates a need for another person to care for her; food, filling water bottles, baby breaks for showering, and of course SLEEP, especially when it isn’t her job to listen to every squeak and grunt to evaluate if it is time for yet another feeding. We also find at this time partners step up to connect with baby, provide postpartum support for the mother, and also take a more significant role with older siblings. They also can take on the pet care more actively, as well as the home chores, the meal prep, and running errands for groceries or supplies.

I see a popular trend in “taking sleep turns” when each parent takes half the night and allows the other parent to sleep while they manage baby care and feeding. Unfortunately the side effect of this approach is that parents don’t get to enjoy their baby together, but rather are working to be on and then running to bed alone each time they are “off”. This is one place the ratio needs to expand.

All that extra care given assumes that dads or partners don’t have any needs themselves, and can devote all their waking time to mom care, baby care, pet care, home care, and organizing meals and errands for everything needed. Some definitely can! But often I see fathers checking in with us to get a backup of support for a night of rest, or some more support if they have to return to work earlier than they would like. Many fathers are open to putting their needs aside for a season while they new baby is acclimated into the family. But we know many who thrive on their daily exercise or gym time, need breaks outside in nature to regulate their nervous system and mental health, and frankly fall apart without some uninterrupted sleep.

These are the main two reasons I advocate for growing your postpartum bubble. Not to a giant village, but at least by a little. The 3rd or 4th person you can include can bring immense help to both parents, and allow them to give all their devotion to their new little one, while also enjoying each other’s company. If the 3rd or 4th person knows their role, the experience for both parents will be richer, less stressful, and more successful, even if they are on a limited time frame before having to go back to work.

What an additional person or couple can do is take over an area of struggle to alleviate that particular pressure and create a beautiful gift for you. Here are some ways I see loved ones (or sometimes hired help) doing this:

Food manager: Meal planner, food shopper, sous chef, meal creator/server, freezer meal prepper, kitchen cleanup. Did you know in some cultures the in laws/extended family takes over this role in early postpartum? Moms don’t do any food prep in the first month or two and others provide the food without a thought from the mom, and often she is served in bed for ease!

Breastfeeding supporter: While we think “Lactation Consultant”, what I see more of is the help of lesser credentialed helpers. Postpartum doulas, lactation counselors or educators, or La Leche Leaguers who can sit by your side and coach you through the challenges of early feeding. This used to be our mothers, sisters, and besties who had breastfed and showed us the ropes—and it still can be if you have family who has breastfeeding experience who is encouraging and supportive. This can also mean someone who can set up your pump, wash your pump parts, store and label the milk, and also just to sit there while you endlessly feed your newborn. You might find yourself wanting company that tells you that you are beautiful, strong, and that your breasts are super impressive.

Home manager: Think laundry completer, dish doer, counter wiper, floor sweeper, bathroom cleaner, bedding changer, etc. Having someone who knows their role is to take care of all the things that bog you down postpartum can take a HUGE weight of the new parents, allowing more time for getting lost in their baby’s eyes, and reflecting on their birth experience or early parenting journey. While it can take some time to have these things done to your liking, this can be a valuable third party of support.

Dog Walker/pet watcher: Caring for animals might be really low key at your house. Dogs that don’t need much walking, litter boxes that empty themselves, timed feeding machines, etc, are all great for managing the furry members of the household. But if not, consider hiring a daily dog walker/runner, a litter scooper who can give your felines some extra love, or even sending them to live somewhere else for the first week while you adjust to fresh postpartum life, and disrupt all the routines you have made with your pets in the early days with a newborn who has their days and nights mixed up.

Sibling entertainer: It never fails that the BIGGEST concern our new families have when they are welcoming a new baby is their older kiddos who have a sweet setup of all their parent’s attention. And there’s no denying that a new baby takes most of the attention available in the house. Having someone who can focus on the needs of the older kid(s) can be a lifesaver, and while leaving this to dad sounds fun, it leaves a lot leftover that doesn’t get done to stare you in the face (or to sacrifice your sleep for).

These are all services you can hire separately—and I highly recommend looking into it—although many times family and friends are more willing than you think to jump into a specific arena of support. As doulas serving families far from their families, we often see gifts of meal delivery (and a few with private chefs), housekeepers, dog walkers, and nannies for the older kiddos too. And of course we provide many of these roles, minus the heavy cleaning or extensive childcare, but a little bit of everything else. However, there are usually free helpers that can fulfill some of these roles to take the pressure off new parents during the early recovery phase. It can take some planning and prep, but when you have the care available it can be a very loving gift.

Grandparents and other extended family have historically done this work for new moms and dads, as well as aunties, uncles, sisters and brothers, and all manner of friends and neighbors. Loved ones who live close can allocate some time to focus on the needs of the new family and concentrate their care on their biggest priorities. Grandparents who live further away can schedule trips to come and serve the new family, or send gifts of care from local services. And they can all offer their love, their encouragement, and share their absolute joy over this new baby and how amazing the parents are!

If you have extended family that are not willing to help, not focused on you or the practical needs around you, and especially if they are selfish about their own wants and accommodations, this can result in a net loss for the new family. We all know people who fit this bill, some of us are even related to them. However most of your loved ones will excel at something that will benefit the new family, and this is what I would recommend leaning into when enlisting that slightly larger bubble. Giving them guidelines for the care that is most desired while also giving them a bit of access to that precious new family member you just made.

This is my best argument for extending the bubble to include others. Figure out the people who most want to help, and find them a role that will take the pressure off you during your bonding time with baby. Having just a tiny bit bigger circle means a lot more sleep, better nutrition, a nest that is clean and comfortable, and even pets and older kiddos who are happier and more at peace.

If you want to find out when your family should come to maximize their support, stay tuned for the next blog on mapping out a peaceful postpartum with your extended family.